|
kiyuso
☕ Partially active. Just blogging down my messy thoughts for the record and future references. Also a story writer, typically concerning my gays. I don't particularly have any interests. It's more like, if something piques my interests, I become infatuated or obsessed.
agenda
musings
twitter
mail
|
She sits in her car for a moment, not too long in case they see her or she runs away from her problems like she's been doing her whole life. It only takes a minute to gather her bearings and turn off the engine before plunging into the dark, cold. It's only sprinkling, but she still feels the cold down to her toes even with the rubber Chelsea boots she wears. The walk to the door is almost nostalgic. Not much has changed, but the knocking instead of fumbling of keys is the only change, the only difference. A difference that unsettles her even now. It takes a bit before the door is answered, and even longer it feels like for her to make proper eye contact with him. In all honesty, she couldn't even meet his eyes, just the frames of his glasses. "Hi." She greets, awkwardly standing there. He returns her greeting with one of his own and turns his back to her, gesturing for her to come inside. She obliges. Taking off her shoes, she doesn't even make it halfway into the hallway before a couple of packages are handed to her, stopping her descent further into the house she used to call home. "...Thanks." Are the only words she can muster as she takes them and inspects them. Now closer to the living room, she can hear the noise from the television and see a close friend of theirs snuggled up with her pet bunny. The familiarity of it all warms her heart, but the wall that seems to be between them now is like a douse of icy cold water. Uncertain if she's welcomed or not, she stays standing in the corner of the room, perhaps waiting and hoping to be invited properly. "You're watching anime, that's surprising." She comments, also wondering whatever else has changed, whatever else she has missed. Their friend laughs at her comment, almost uncontained and how it used to be when the comments she made caught people off guard, but their friend's guard goes back up after that lapse in laughter. She can see it clearly, as the walls crumble but build themselves back up. That hurts. She doesn't show it, or even if it does show on her face, the both of them aren't looking at her properly. It's almost like a heartbreak all over again. Wanting to stay a bit longer, she fumbles with her packages to make sure they're the right ones, but feeling that her presence isn't need, or wanted, she quickly makes excuse of herself. Before she can rush out though, they make quick conversation with her, stilted and awkward like their relationship has become of now. (I can't seem to recall much of the conversation with the rush of emotions coursing through me, but I remembering babbling about clear bag policies implemented in the arena where another mutual friend will be graduating, and it perhaps confuses them but he picks up on it.) "Oh, you're going to the commencement ceremony?" He seems surprised. Probably because she never bothered to attend his or maybe it might be something else. She finds it difficult to read him nowadays, "Yeah. I'll be at the party later too, but I probably won't stay long or go bar hopping." Nervous and anxious, she also makes up an excuse that will make her feel better somewhat in this situation, "I came up here for work too. So I'll busy with that too." It's clearly a lie, or partial truth. The hospital did ask her to work over the weekend up there, but she declined because she wanted to enjoy the city and hangout with her friends. "Where are you staying?" Their friend asks all of a sudden once their previous conversation has died down. And isn't that the award-winning question of the year. "Maybe at a friend's garage, or my car. I don't really know yet, but we'll see." The answer is honest, but maybe they don't take her seriously or care much. It's not like she was waiting for an invitation from them to spend the night there, but perhaps because they didn't care enough to extend that courtesy is where it all starts to crumble for her. Before she drove up here, she planned and packed to sleep in her car. It was an option that she let herself think about if all else failed, but that it failed so easily and spectacularly was something she did not foresee. Noticing that there was nothing to be said anymore, she quickly said her goodbyes and left the house, emptier than she thought she'd feel confronting them. To distract herself, she fumbled the packages open completely to make sure everything she ordered for the leis she wanted to make were there. And indeed everything was in order for that, but it seems like everything else in her life was in disorder. Her phone was dying on her, and her friends don't seem to be her friends anymore. What else could go more wrong. Hoping to at least salvage her phone, she started her car to try and charge her mobile device. It seemed like it was a lost cause if it hadn't been charging the whole ride up here, but she had hope that the battery bars would go up. And isn't that funny, hope? That seems to be something she's having as of late, especially back in the town she's called home for years even thought she no longer lives there . It only takes a few minutes before she's frustrated and embarrassed, because she'll have to go back inside and ask her friends if she can use their phones to phone her siblings to let them know she made it up here safely. It didn't take long for her to make her decision though, it was more important to let those close to her know she was safe than be embarrassed by crawling back into a house that didn't seem to want her anymore. So the walk back to her old home was more foreboding that it has ever been, and the surprise on his face when he answers the door again is evident. Perhaps they were talking about her? It's not her business though, so she shoves it out of her mind, into the deepest crevices that can't be reached, so she doesn't tear up in the house of old memories. "I'm sorry, can I use one of your guy's phone? My phone's not working." She mumbles, a nervous ball of anxiety as she stands in the same awkward corner she did before. It seems he's gone back to ignoring her as he makes himself comfortable on the chair that she used to love sinking into, and she wonders if all of Grandpa's ridges and grooves that she's made on him have been erased and replaced by his now. It takes awhile before someone answers her, but perhaps their friend must've felt bad so she offers her phone up for takes. Grateful, she takes it and phones her phone to make sure it's functioning. And sure enough it lights up even though she tried turning it on and tapping the screen in the car to bring it back to life. The battery life shows it's at 1%, so she makes quick work in charging it by making herself comfortable on the floor right next to the outlet by the kitchen, still in the little corner she's made "home" for herself. "What's wrong with your phone?" One of them questions. "I don't know. It won't charge and before when I tried turning it on it wouldn't turn on, but when I called it the screen lit up." Neither had anything else to say after that so the air turns awkward and quiet again, except for the noise from the television filling the void she's feeling. Hoping to be out of there soon, she phones her brother using their friend's phone again, but it doesn't seem like he's picking up, so she tries her own phone next now that it's working somewhat. The line goes through and she's greeted with her brother's familiar voice. The relief from his voice alone was more the homecoming she was hoping to feel when she came back up here, not what she's been feeling for the past hour since she's been up here. "Hey. My phone died and I don't know what's wrong with it. I charged it the whole time coming up here, but it didn't charge. And I thought it was weird right before I left too, cause it was charging as well but didn't go up a single percentage." She tried explaining, eyes on the floor as she traced imaginary patterns on it. If she traced hard enough, could she leave an imprint to call her own perhaps? So it goes like that for awhile. Her brother trying to troubleshoot her phone miles away, while she aimlessly draws on the floor of her corner she's made a temporary home of as she tries not to break down right then and there in front of her two most important people in town. Everything was slowly falling apart around her and she couldn't fathom why life is always so hard for her. This was supposed to be a happy trip. She looked forward to this for months. She fought to take the days off for this visit. She had plans and some expectations. It was supposed to be good memories for one last time, not a living nightmare she'd have to live though as the main character. Resigned, she bid goodbye to her brother, taking into consideration his advice, but ultimately feeling doomed and so alone now. She didn't have a phone anymore. The only connection to those in town were now swimming in a screen of black hollowness, and more than ever, the reality that she now how to spend three, four nights in her car came crashing down on her. The world was so damn cruel. She was just expecting a night or two, not her whole time up here. She'd hope that she could crash at a friend's place, but how was she supposed to reach out to them now, with no cellular device at the ready? Why did her phone choose to crap out now? Why was their friend so distant? Why couldn't things go right for once? Why did always have to feel like the walls around her were trying to squeeze the living life out of her instead of keep her safe and secure? Why? And so, uncertain and afraid, she just sits there in that corner of hers until they'll kick her out, charging her hopeless phone as she drowns out the Japanese language she understands by heart cause it's an anime she's seen before. However, a knock startles her out of her thoughts and when other people come flooding in, walking precariously around her to avoid jostling her as well as ignoring her, she feels like if a black hole just swallowed her up now she wouldn't have any regrets. Trying to hold it together even more in hopes that these new company won't notice her bristling and quavering, she can't help but be somewhat envious. They're greeted and invited so casually that somehow it breaks something inside of her even more, like a vice to her heart that won't unclench. 'If I cry now...' She thinks she won't be able to hold it in and it'll be embarrassing, not just for her, but him and their friend especially. So she swallows all the anguish that has built up in the past hour and keeps her head down on her phone lying helplessly in her lap, fiddling every once in awhile with it to look busy and keep herself from having a meltdown. When it all looks hopeless, she finally stands, quiet and without a goodbye since it seems like her company wasn't wanted if the conversation and backs turned to her are anything to go by. It takes a lot longer than she'd like to admit for her to put on her shoes and get out of there, but she makes her exit swift and unnoticeable, salvaging whatever dignity she has left. When the door shuts behind her, she feels such an astounding weight upon her that she nearly misses the step that she knows has always been there since living there for more than three years. She can see her car, and almost cries in relief when she dives into it, away from the rain and away from a pain she can probably never escape now. 'What a shit show.' She thinks, laughing humorlessly at her own plans gone array. Uncertain of what to do now, but all of a sudden so tired, she decides to go to sleep, and hope maybe her phone will suddenly work once she wakes up. She hopes at least, with whatever hope she has left. So, rolling her windows down so that she doesn't suffocate with her own CO2, she makes herself comfortable in the backseat of her Nissan Rogue, snuggling up with the only stuff animal she brought, Toothy. She leaves the car's battery on so she can charge her phone, but keeps herself semi-conscious so she doesn't slip into dreamland while her car's running, cause that might kill it and then where would she be? She silences her mind, not thinking about anything, just focusing on the silence, smell of the rain, and gentle pitter-patter to ease her, and soon hours have passed and she's lost count of the number of times she's gotten up to make the leis, turn off the car, make the leis, and turn the car back on, alternating so the car's battery doesn't die. Eventually though, by the however-ith many time, she comes to a solution. Her old student ID probably still works for a building on campus, since it's worked before, plus she really has to use the bathroom. Looking at the clock on her dashboard to check the time, she reads that it's 3:53AM. Yeah, nothing would be opened right now, so that was her best bet. With resolve, she climbs back into the driver seat and starts the engine. It's raining a bit more than before, but nothing too bad so she's not too worried about the roads, even if night driving scares her senseless since she's as blind as a bat. The drive there is quiet aside from the music lulling in the background of the car from CDs as old as the car itself and her own thoughts racing through her mind even as she's driving. She might've been distracted a few times with them that she drove over some curbs, but it didn't seem to bad... Finally at her destination, she cuts of the engine and digs in her wallet for her old student ID. When she finds that it's not there, she unearths everything in her wallet. With an anguished cry, she throws her wallet and purse to the floor of the passenger seat, finally sobbing in distress and uncertainty. The card wasn't in its usual place where she's always kept it for some strange reason, and she has a bladder so full it makes her stomach and only kidney ache every time she breathes. This night was bordering on hysteria at this point. Needing to do something about the dilemma in her lower regions, she opts to take a stroll out in the rainy weather and... And find a dark corner and take care of her business. When she returns to her car, she's on edge and cold. She especially feels wet and dirty somewhat, and with a sick feeling that just keeps growing in the pit of her stomach. Just staring into the darkness of 4AM, she wonders what she should do now. Stranded in a town, in the middle of the night, with no means of communication to anyone, how was she supposed to survive the next three days? How was she supposed to meet up with her friend at his graduation afterwards? What if she was dying somewhere, somehow and couldn't reach anyone? Would she die bone weary, bone cold from the rain that was ceaseless? Like the light at the end of the tunnel though, she found a solution to all solutions: she could just drive back home and that would be the end of it all. She could sleep in her comfy bed with all her stuff animals, be warmed to the core that her bones didn't even ache, use the restroom whenever she pleased without embarrassment, and talk to someone and be talked back to. Giddy with it, she made her decision and turned the car on, making her way home. However, on the drive there her thoughts were starting to turn condescending. 'You took precious time off just for this, and look at you crawling back into your cave like a coward?' 'You're not even trying. What a coward.' 'You even made the leis already. And you're giving up just like that?' 'What a waste of time this all was.' So just before she reached where her siblings lived, she decided that she was going to make it work. Letting herself in all so quietly, she left her dead phone charging on her bed, tucking in her other stuff animals and sister as she grabbed her old phone on the way out of their room. Noticing her old student card was sitting ominously by the light switch in their room as well, she smiled secretly to herself and grabbed that as well. Picking a few things on the way out of the apartment as well, she made it back to the car in five minutes top, ready to hit the road again, back to a town that seems crueler than ever before, but she was determined now more than ever to make it all work. She wasn't going to let a bad luck, bad night ruin her chances of seeing her friends graduate, as well as celebrate with them. She was a better friend than that, than what bad experiences can make her be, She would prove it, not to them, but to herself. When she's finally within city limits, she returns to the same building on campus with student ID on the ready. Unfortunately, her card doesn't seem to work, as it denies her entrance into the building. Hopeful, but frustrated as well, she tries every door not willing to give up. Finally, the last door lets her in and she thanks the world in being merciful. It's already around 5AM, and sleeping again now wouldn't get her to her friend's graduation in time, so she decides to get ready now. Luckily she brought her bag of toiletry and makeup with her so she didn't have to duck back outside in the drizzling rain and risk being locked out again. The old building that she used to venture into all the time as an undergraduate is eerily quiet and empty, but it is summer now, so it's not surprising, but it is rather resonating with the loneliness she's been feeling. Ignoring it though, she makes herself comfortable in the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth and combing her hair. She doesn't spend too much time on her makeup, just the usual foundation and sunscreen. It takes ten to fifteen minutes tops. Unfortunately, she neglected to bring her bag of clothes so she might have to change in the car, or perhaps at a Starbucks, so she could get a nice warm cup of coffee? She smiled to herself, that sounded nice. Plans laid out, she left the university building with her tote and heart somewhat lighter. The drive around town, now with more light, was rather wistful. Of course there were changes and new buildings going up, but returning to this town always felt like coming home. It was a place she's always associated with fond memories and happiness, so driving around in it derived those kind of emotions from her. It was a beautiful and pleasant feeling to everything that she had been feeling before. Even the Starbucks she chose to stop in at was still ever the same, with the same barista and the same layout. It was good that some things didn't change. Small Blonde Vanilla Latte with Soy Milk. Before that order would've been complete gibberish to her, but now as a partner it's a language that she's become acquainted with. And the barista that took her order was very pleasant, and made eye contact with her. So sad to say, but he was the first person, a stranger, to make her feel human, and more at home than the ones she called close and dear. Coffee in hand, and safe in Starbucks, she changed quickly in the restroom and enjoyed the downtime that she couldn't have. However, that was short-lived when she noticed she couldn't connect to the WiFi there. Frowning to herself, she tried to figure out where else she could go to obtain free WiFi so she could start messaging people on her old phone. It was unfortunate that this phone and her newer phone didn't share the same SIM card size, so it was impossible to just switch out the phone, but at least she had something to work with now instead of nothing. However, not really wanting to drive far and with no plans in mind, she just settles for parking in the lot where the graduation will be held and strains to reach the WiFi from where her car us parked. It's 6:30AM when she arrives there, and she can already see the graduates making their way to the stadium for check-in. It's somewhat nostalgic, she can't help but think. Two years ago she was doing the exact same as all these people. It was a sentimental feeling, and she's truly feeling proud of them all for making it this far. It almost brings her to tears and she laughingly laughs at herself to shake it off. Connected to the WiFi as a guest now, she just simply sits in the car and finishes up any loose ends on the leis she made last night. They aren't her greatest work and look at bit tacky, but she did make them in the dark so they'll have to do. Hoping it's not too early, she messages her graduating friend on Facebook to inform him that she'll be at his ceremony, and to keep her updated on where he'll be after the event. His reply is prompt and agreeing, and she's hopeful and feeling good that this will go well. Unfortunately, life has its ways of dealing her the bad more so than the good, and when she thought she could finally have a means of connection to her graduating friend, all that is stripped away from her. Perhaps it was because everyone was trying to connect to the WiFi as well, her weak phone couldn't pick up a strong signal of the WiFi she was using, so she was left bereft of any communication. The only communication she could pick up by luck, she quickly sent him a message to not wait up for her, in case they were, since she didn't want them to be waiting for too long. So even though she watched her friend graduate, she couldn't really give him the lei she worked real hard to make in person, and that very unfortunate and frustrating. Regretful that things didn't go as planned, she decides to make her way through the crowd of people posing and laughing with their family and friends. She tries not to look for too long or linger, but it still hurts a bit seeing them all like that cause it just makes her loneliness ring even louder in her ears and in her heart. Now settled into her car, she stays parked and still in her car as she watched everyone fight traffic, surrendering to the fact that she'll be here for awhile, so she'll just wait for it all to die down before she starts her car up. When it looks like it's sort of clearing up, she turns the ignition on and departs from the stadium, returning to the Starbucks from earlier this morning. They're busier than they were earlier this morning at 5:30AM, it's now around 10:40AM. Remembering that her phone couldn't connect to their WiFi, she returns to the car shortly, and makes her way to the same campus building prior. However, she's faces the same dilemma as earlier—her old university ID not working. Perhaps they finally turned off the chip in the card after two years, but she was hopeful that it would work like it always did in the past, but it seems like it was a losing battle. Just out of luck though, she was able to get inside from the south front side. Inside alas, with a small blanket and her charger, she decides to take a nap on one of the sofas as her phone charges, afraid that it might die on her so she wants to keep it above 50%. The nap only lasts an hour before she's up and ready to be on the move. While in the car again, she decides that eating might be a good idea, since she hasn't had anything since yesterday morning. And meat pies sound good and nostalgic, so she makes her way there, fighting traffic and the college town crowd as people are moving out, attending graduation, or celebrating. Surprisingly, the cafe selling the meat pies isn't busy, but parking was rather difficult. That comes to no surprise though since the area is close to the arena where graduation is happening. Before even entering the cafe, she already knows what she's ordering and decides that paying with card and then saving her only cash for macaroons was a good plan. However, they were out of the veggie peanut pie after they had already rung her order, so she settles for the chicken peanut pie instead. In that split disappointment though, she handed them $20 bill instead of her card. So when she settled into the car, she was sad that she wouldn't be able to enjoy macaroons later. But she reasoned that it was probably better to pay with cash than card, since her card was linked with her former boyfriend's email address, so he'd know where she was and what she was doing and that kind of scared her. So it was all for the better anyways, she reasoned. Wanting to eat, but not knowing where in this weather and in this traffic, she drove around aimlessly looking for a good place to park the car and chow down. A neighborhood might seem a bit too weird, and a parking lot was even stranger, on the side of the road was embarrassing since everyone could see her, so she settled for the town's mall parking lot which was wide and spacious so there wouldn't be any onlookers. Making sure her car was faced away from everyone else, and parked looking at the fences sectioning the mall off from the neighborhood, she dug into her food. Looking more carefully at her food though, she was a bit upset that she was packed mushy peas instead of mashed potatoes like she asked, and the receipt reflected. She reasoned that peas were healthier though so ate them nonetheless, even though she was still feeling somewhat disappointed about it all, especially since they didn't have the veggie peanut pie. And really, everything was going as well as it could've given the situation until a family walked by for some strange reason in the corner of the parking lot and made eye contact with her. The look on the mother's face, of pity and contempt, as they made eye contact cracked something inside her and the waterworks flooded, unstoppable and uncontrollable. Here she was, sitting in a parking lot eating a lunch by herself that wasn't even what she really wanted because fate was cruel like that, unable to contact anyone really cause accessing WiFi was harder than it seemed, and most of all, she knew that look even though she didn't want to face the reality of it. It was a look one would give to a homeless person. And just the thought of that ached everything in her: her heart, her throat, her mind, her soul. Granted the circumstances weren't all that favorable, but if she thought about it, it really was like being homeless in a place she's been calling home for years. She had nowhere to go, no one to reach out to, nowhere to be safe. All the circumstances could almost reflect being homeless. She didn't ever think herself above homeless people ever, but she never thought she'd experience something of that kind ever, and here she was experiencing that exact thing she's been telling herself she's safe from. She didn't need to not have a home to be homeless, she didn't need to be starving to be homeless, she didn't need to have everything against her to be homeless, cause homelessness isn't just what people would call an occupation, a being, it also is an emotion that can be felt and experienced whether you really are an embodiment of that word or not. So for the first time, she finally understands what the people she's volunteered to help out with feel, truly feel. (We will say we understand their feelings, but do we really? I don't like saying that phrase to people cause I know none of us will know what someone ever feels like, but we can certainly experience something similar and in turn realize, "Ah. So it's something like that." And this is one of those moments.) And that touch of humanity is enough to have everything in the past 24hrs come rushing forth like a torrent ready to wreck havoc. When she cries, she cries not only because of the feeling she's experience, but because all the times she's been telling herself everything will be ok. It's not ok that she's lost a bond with someone she could call a best friend. It's not ok that she had to sleep in her car. It's not ok that her phone suddenly died on her after it had been working fine before. It's not ok that she had to use the bathroom in the cold, dark where it's unsafe with all kidnappings that have been happening in the area. It's not ok that she didn't get to personally see her graduating friend in person. It's not ok that they said they had her favorite pie, only to say they don't after she paid and everything. It's not ok that she got mushy peas instead of mash potatoes. It's not ok that she couldn't eat macaroons. It's not ok that someone can look at her with that amount of pity and contempt without knowing her suffering. It's not ok that this whole experience has been more bad than good. It's ok to be weak when it seems like there's just bad after bad. It's ok to cry and not hold it in. It's ok to let the hurt do the hurting. It's ok, because she embracing it all instead of finding excuses for it like she's been doing for the past 24hrs. Without knowing, she was running away from it all instead of facing it. This moment of clarity was a wake up call for her. Yes, this whole trip has been as terrible as it could've gotten. She was prepared for the worst, but she wasn't prepared to be taken to the lowest of the lows and left there for granted. In fact, nothing could prepare anyone for that. But she went through it, not because she wanted to show off or do it herself, but because sometimes life has a way of leading out off the cliff without you knowing. You might think you know better, but you will never know. Once you think you do, life just hands it to you harder than ever before. Fort Collins was a place of greatness for me. I always talked about it even though I don't live there anymore. I was hung up in a past that had already moved on without me, and I was just left chasing its shadows. There were so much good times in that town that I couldn't fully appreciate the now that I have. Every experience was always, "Oh, well, Fort Collins is better." when it should've been, "This is great!" It might not be the best, like Fort Collins was, but I shouldn't be hanging on to something that's detrimental to my well-being and future. Even though I've been focusing on the now, there are some aspects of me that are still living in the past that I have to let go off, or else I'm suffering needlessly. "Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future." — Daphne Rose Kingma |