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kiyuso
☕ Partially active. Just blogging down my messy thoughts for the record and future references. Also a story writer, typically concerning my gays. I don't particularly have any interests. It's more like, if something piques my interests, I become infatuated or obsessed.
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The questions are infinite, and so are my thoughts. As restless as I already am, this whole ordeal throws my functionality out of proportion. Every waking moment I think about this all, mostly the bad and the 'ifs', but I'm only tormenting myself with those kinds of thoughts, aren't I? I can't help it though, it's just something that's a part of my person and the one of the many downfalls of this relationship. I'm still struggling to move on cause my thoughts stray to the things you've said to me, about me. When healing is supposed to be about accepting each other's faults and moving on from the past, your words keep me from doing so. Knowing this I did my best not to utter any bad words about you and accepted all the criticisms you had to say about me, even after telling you I already knew of my mistakes and wrongs. But you just kept spouting them at me like a broken record, just like you've always been—even when it mattered the most, the important things you couldn't remember after I told you so many times about them and how important they are to me. Ultimately, we both couldn't see the value in our personal importance. So when you accused me of having everything done my way, did you ever stop to think about this? You never once shared a viable solution; always with your 'I don't knows' and 'I don't cares'—of course I had to take matters into my own hands and do the research, make the decisions, thus the one blamed after its mess. You don't even share your thoughts or inputs on the matter either, simply safe in your shell that leaves you blameless in the aftermath. Too immature to own up to the problems and reality of the situation. And then you even have the audacity to say I play the victim all the time when you know I'm a defensive person. It's even more saddening cause you know why I'm so defensive and delicate, but you still spout derogatory words anyways. So when you do such things, it makes me recoil with the same in return. And so we play this game to see who can hurt the most, and that just tears us apart even more—this relationship and our individuality. Maybe you should actually take the time to think this all through instead of seeing it only through your lens. You lack the ability to see other sides or my reservations in particular. When I said you had a big ego jokingly sometimes, I really do mean it seriously on occasion. You can't let go of your ego to see other perspectives, and that caused many problems in our relationship. Granted I ignored most of your perceptions as well, so I'm not completely blameless, but the fact that you couldn't even see them at all is ignorance. In the end, the thing I hated most was that you couldn't open your heart to me after it ended. We were both hurting, but I still opened up to you. But you. You refused it. You never once, and still are, the one that doesn't confront or initiate. You don't share your feelings easily unless I probe you with much effort. You have never once mentioned what your intentions are after we broke up. You have been as unclear as you've been before we first started dating. If you don't make you intentions known to someone, how are they supposed to read into it? Knowing me, I'll over-read it and come up with my own assumptions—which you hate with a passion, but you only have yourself to blame. I risked sharing my feelings and intentions with you, twice, but you never followed up on it. Your responses were always vague and unclear. It was as if you couldn't decide if you wanted to keep me to the side as some side-hoe while you figured out your feelings. One month. I believed that time frame would be enough for you to decide if you were really committed or not, but you still accused me, saying it was too short and did not justify our two year relationship. Well, let me tell you. One month of suffering is long, and you want more out of it while you figure out what you want to do? I'm not desperate enough to wait for you. I gave you your time, but you probably didn't utilize it properly so I ended it there. How much more suffering can you expect me to go through for you? How much will we both have to suffer until your mind can catch up with your heart? You didn't even say the most important things. I waited to hear them so much, so long. But I don't think you care or even feel the same if it hasn't come out of your mouth. I could wait forever and you still wouldn't understand. Therefore, I gave it only a month's time. Waiting for you would be like a slow painful death. If you still wanted to try again but wanted some time off, you just had to say so. If you had someone else in mind already, and are ready to move on, you just had to say so. If you were completely done with me, you just had to say so. If you were just honest and spoke your intentions, this would've been a lot easier. But you didn't. I don't know what struggled you are having that prevented you from communicating with me, but your compassion and sincerity didn't shine through and that was enough for me to understand and make my decision. I've asked and talked to you so many times. I've probed and elbowed you to spit it out. But your only answer was, 'I don't have anything left to say.' Perhaps that's the truth, but you didn't do us justice by ending it like that. There was no closure for me, only for you. And so I'm left feeling estranged and without proper closure on your part. My mind wanders, my heart wavers, and my anger simmers. I don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. I try my best to keep going, without looking back, but it's been hard these past few weeks. It's not easy, I know, but you could've made it a bit easier on me like I did for you. Sadly though, there was no compassion there for me. This letter somehow seems like it's filled with so much hate, but it's mostly pent-up frustration from not being able to share these negative thoughts and feelings with you since you are just as delicate as I am—I just have a more considerate approach to it than you do. |