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kiyuso
☕ Partially active. Just blogging down my messy thoughts for the record and future references. Also a story writer, typically concerning my gays. I don't particularly have any interests. It's more like, if something piques my interests, I become infatuated or obsessed.
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I love each and every one of those close to me differently and dearly, but sometimes their words and actions can be grating. They tell me these things out of concern without taking into account my thoughts and feelings. They do these things out of consideration but without understanding my degree of unwillingness and reasonings. Sometimes because they do this it makes me feel like a child being babied, or a caged prisoner to their whims. But I know. I know that they don't mean it like that, that's just how I feel because of their words and actions. They're only looking out for me like all friends and loved ones do. Their approach may not always be the one you're comfortable with, but their intentions are genuine and true. However, there can only be so much you can take before you draw the line. So when I jumped into a relationship right after my ex-fiance passed away, everyone was shocked and most of all worried. I wasn't in the best place during those times. I had suicidal tendencies, mad mood swings, and long depressive episodes. I was so sad most days that I just laid in bed all day, all night, so much that my hair became so matted that my hair could barely be salvaged without shaving it all off. But M, bless her, spent every night with me combing through my mess of a hair and mess of a life. Like a mother and grandmother I never had, she mothered me like all mothers do their children. She made sure every day was filled with less suffering. She filled my inactive life with hobbies and entertainment. She helped me find what I liked to do for "fun", as people would ask. She didn't try to look for the old me, she helped me make a new me while still preserving what little was left of the old me. She was the balm to my healing process during that difficulty in my life. However, she didn't come alone either; with her came the whole crowd. B, the father I never had, who was their to beat some sense into me. Albeit rough around the edges, his intentions always mean well. W, the older brother figure that always looked out for everyone, was the quiet companion I didn't know I need. When everyone else was enjoying themselves, he'd be the one to sit back in the background with me and watch, as I watched, everyone else enjoy themselves. He knew no comforting would soothe my hurting, but he'd let me know he would always be there with his presence beside me. A, the crazy friend that everyone needs, was the one that voiced the things I couldn't say, particularly the bad things. She was the one that cried and screamed to cry and yell if I'm suffering, to let it all out instead of bottling it out. She was the door out of this mess I kept locked up inside for so long. Her approach was wild and unfiltered, but I could tell from her action and words that my suffering was making her suffer as well—and that knowledge made my heart and shell crack a little. A crack that was enough to shed some light into the darkness I had unwittingly created for myself. After my recovery, these people would be my family for the next few years, and some still are to this day. Although distance separates us, it doesn't for our bonds. Those delicate years when we were all so vulnerable and hurting only created a bond among us that can never break so easily. But I felt those bonds wavering during my relationship with J. Many of them told me that it was much too soon, and that I was only feeling lonely and trying to fill a void from my ex-fiance. I denied their accusations vehemently though, trying to justify that I was ready to move on and seize control of my life. Maybe going head first into a relationship wasn't the most convincing of things to show I'm ready to move on, but for me it was. I was tired of suffering and hanging on to a past that no longer mattered, and so I saw a new relationship as the key to my shackles I couldn't shake off no matter how much my loved ones and I tried. So at that point, J became the key to my freedom, but the fall of it. Many of my friends and loved ones could already tell from the start that this wasn't going to end well, and always told me so, but I did not heed their words. I only saw that they were ignorant to my need for freedom and salvation. And they only saw my actions as another road to a deeper suffering and sadness. However, during this time, WZ, mediated a lot of the difficulties between them and me. WZ is an individual who's being is an enigma. To this day, I still puzzle his existence in my life and Earth itself. He is one of the many individuals I mentioned earlier. He looks upon life and you as genuine counterparts to share their whole being with. He never sides. He never wrongs or rights you. He is ultimately neutral in all things pertaining to life and you. But the way he expresses himself and approaches things doesn't make him feel like an outsider, even though his words and actions might dictate otherwise to the standard human being. What I mean to say, is that, most human beings relate well to others who share the same sentimentality. You're not going to want to be friends with someone who's always shooting your every word and thoughts down. So although WZ may do that, it still makes you want to be friends with him because he has a way of approaching it in a more tame, modest, and kind way. In instance, with J, WZ neither jumped on the bandwagon to denounce my new relationship like the rest of my friends and loved ones. However, he neither cheered me on in my new relationship. He simply listened and placated me and the others. He told M, B, W, and A that I was free to make my own decisions, that they could always tell me otherwise or protect me, but it wouldn't prevent anything. I was my own being, and a being can't be told what to do. Their heart goes where it wants. Their mind wanders where it shouldn't. And most of all, that person may listen to both, but may ultimately be swayed elsewhere, to the unknown. If a being was that easy to puzzle out, all of life's worries would've been solved by now, WZ explains. So that kept they protesters at bay for the meanwhile. And maybe it was because I was finally getting a taste for real freedom that I lost all control and inhibitions on myself that I crashed and burned. WZ warned me that it wasn't going to be easy, and I heeded it. He warned me that it was going to be great, and it really was. But he also told me that I might lose myself, and he was right. During my time with J, I not only found myself, but I lost the me that M, B, W, and A had helped build back up. They even told me so one day, "You're not like yourself anymore." And so I was puzzled. How could anyone else know more about me than me, myself? People who say they do only say so because they want to dictate you, your life. So I didn't listen much to their comments, until WZ told me otherwise. He walked through with me, each one of their concerns and thoughts. I no longer went over to M's place to nurture myself, instead I spent all my time with J, losing sight of myself. B saw that I was doing things outside my comfort zone, which I never did unless forced to. W found out that the person who used to sit back and enjoy the sights, was now a part of the sights. And as he looked at me, I wasn't enjoying myself as much as I was sitting back and watching the sights. A discovered that I was keeping things from her, even the simplest of things. We used to share everything together, but now that wasn't the case. As WZ told them, I was like a child growing up away from home, which unsettled all of them for they didn't like this change at all. When I think back on all this, I didn't do them justice. Although I did J right in the end, I didn't for the most important people in my life, the people who stood by me when the times were toughest and hardest. Reuniting with them after J left, was like coming home and it was the most relieving feeling I've ever felt, as they welcomed me with open arms and warm embraces. I changed during those two years, enough to scare them, but when I came back—although broken and in shambles—at least I came back, B said, and that was all that mattered. Love makes you do some pretty crazy things. Sometimes it feels like you're not in your right mind, and it's frightening. I felt like I had to change to make things work. I knew I was lacking in a lot and tried to fill the spaces with something, anything. I did things that I wasn't ready to do, I gave something away that I wasn't ready to give, and I hurt not only myself, but them as well because of it all. Love isn't perfect. It's not like movies and fairy tales, I know that, but I still hoped it would've been somewhat like it. Easy and free. But I paid and sacrificed a lot for it, more than I ever expected. There's no such thing as a love that will just accept all of you, and there's no love that will just be for you. They're all just words to comfort the soul in need of mending. Love is a challenge, made to be overcome by both. Love is ever-changing, and there is no permanence. It just looks like that because some people have already endured all there is that love has thrown at them. Some people may have the patience and endurance for such a love, but the question is, does you have it? Does your partner have it? Are you willing to suffer together? Grow together? Kill off each other, as you grow anew? For sure, J didn't have that. I would've tried as much as I could've until their was no reprieve left, but there is no point and pushing someone past their limits. So now I face the aftermath by myself. But I'm not alone. Although M, B, W, and A tell me over and over, "I told you so," I've changed and now just take it in stride. Before I might've lashed out at them in defense, but WZ has taught me much about myself and nurturing. People's words can only touch you if you let them, and I know all this was a downfall on my part. My friends and loved ones all warned me, but I didn't heed their warnings, so now I'm suffering the consequences. But I don't regret it. I'm a different me from when I lost my ex-fiance, when I was built back up, and when I dated J. I'm a me that I'm more comfortable with now. So in truth, the homecoming is more an acknowledgment of the new me instead of my return to M, B, W, A, and WZ. I'm more level-headed now. I don't let my emotions get the better of me, and to be honest, I'm more dead inside than I ever was before, but that suits me just fine. I can appreciate the simpler of things and the finest of things, both in equal measures of healthy. My mind wanders still, but it always returns now. But my heart still needs working on. It's still suffering from the heartache, but I'm sure it will bounce back. I know who and how to appreciate. I will never lose sight of myself again, and those who waited for my return. I love you all! Thank you for your patience and understanding! |