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kiyuso
☕ Partially active. Just blogging down my messy thoughts for the record and future references. Also a story writer, typically concerning my gays. I don't particularly have any interests. It's more like, if something piques my interests, I become infatuated or obsessed.
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Today I officially closed a chapter in my life that was dear, yet painful. We had been struggling with each other and other aspects in our life for awhile, so when the time came it was as if my heart was being crushed from all sides. I was still dealing with the post-surgery for my bone cancer, settling back into my sibling's place, finding a suitable job, dealing with the new distance in our relationship, and my uncontrollable emotions that have always been a part of me. So it was as if all those things came crashing down on me all at once, and he was pressing in on it all from the top, as gravity pulled that pressure even more on my breaking heart. I couldn't brace myself for the fall that started from this point. It was a mess, and I was a mess. Sometimes, when you fall in love it happens unexpectedly and without you realizing it. That was how it was for me. I believe you don't necessarily have to be in love with someone going into a relationship. Sometimes you grow to love them as time passes, whether you're ultimately together or not. And that was how it was like with him. Even though we had lots of pointless fights and misunderstandings, it all made me fall deeper in love. Because here, I found someone who still stuck around when my emotions were being unreasonable, who returned after each and every fight, and loved me still after all that. I don't let a lot of people into my heart, and I even told him so. However, he was persistent and always asked me as softly and tenderly if I'd let him in. I always told him no, sometimes maybe, sometimes I don't know's. In the end, he snuck his way in without me realizing and grew a place in my heart for himself. No matter how much I denied it or showed otherwise, his place in my heart was slowly becoming irreplaceable and permanent. Oh, how much it hurt when he left though. I think things would've played out a lot more different if my childhood was normal. I had a lot of difficulties growing up and have come to understand that those difficulties ultimately shaped who I am and who I will be. However, being aware and conscious can prevent those measures. But maybe those are just comforting words afterall? Just to make us feel like we have some semblance of control in our life and our past. Cause no matter how much I tried to change or be conscious of those things, I always reverted back to who I was or would be. It caused a strain in our relationship and eventually ended us. He accused me of having no respect for him. And at first I accused him of the same thing, but after suffering and thinking about it all there should be no accusations thrown around. The both of us were just too different. With different experiences and upbringings we came to be who we were, and so our values are different, thought processes different, behaviors different, personalities different. Everything different. We couldn't come to an understanding on our differences, an acknowledgment in our differences, and a way to love with our differences. So, we both fought until the bitter end, until we were so hurt and so blinded that we couldn't even see the simplest of things. So, after introspecting about everything I thought we could move past this like we've done before. However, it looks like it's the end for him. I speak in the present tense because it is something I've confirmed over and over. Even though he still has feelings, he's not willing to try again for whatever reasons that may be I'll never know even after he described it to me. All I know is that all those times before in the past only amounted to this, and that's what disappoints and saddens me. If it's going to end like this, why did we keep trying? Because of that I had so much hope, so much. But now, I've ended that hope. I've acknowledged my faults, have been honest about my feelings to the point of shamelessness, and confronted my problems and fears. I've done all that I could at this point. But there's no point in pushing it if the other person doesn't want or refuses to meet you half way. All I can do now is cry, spill my heart out, scrub out the place where he grew in my heart, and live with the emptiness and soreness in that part of my heart. It won't be easy, but I've honesty tried so many times with the same results so I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to give my heart the much needed rest and attention it sincerely needs now. I'm ready to start healing. Although this is the end of the chapter for us. It's the start of a new chapter, whatever it may be. And it starts with self-love and self-care. |
